Managing Anger


About the Author:

Vincent Fernandes hails from Valencia Mangalore and is a voluntary worker.  Since the past 17 years he has been working with the Christian Community in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. He is also working with the General Practitioners in Abu Dhabi, and gives advice to couples who wish to enter into matrimony, and to those whose marriage is on shaky grounds. “A strong building keeps it safe and secure against nature’s vagaries and similarly a strong foundation will keep any marriage intact against all adversities.”

Education: M.A. -Counseling and Psychology, Post Graduate from Madras in Family life, Mental health care Science from U.K., Biblical Counseling from USA, working in Abu Dhabi in Mental Health Care, Family Predicament issues and Detoxification Therapy.

Here is a golden opportunity to readers and well wishers – he is willing to discuss practical issues and problems in marriage based on his experience through  with his articles and individual interactions.  Couples who wish to seek advice may also do so by keeping their names and identification confidential.  We are working on providing this feature soon on

He has written a book called “Welding The Wedding“, a complete hand book for couples preparing for marriage and wedded couples. It provides practical tips on a life of commitment and trust. This book will be released on 16th November 2005 soon after the 8.00 P.M.  Konkani mass at St. Joseph’s Cathedral Abu Dhabi by Monsignor Francis  Jamieson Vicar General – Vicariate Apostolic of Arabia.  Rev. Fr. Cyprian Peter D’Souza, Fr. V.J. Menezes and Fr. Antony Lopez would also be present.

(Readers are free to address their problems/concerns in detail to the writer and he will try his level best to answer your questions.  You may write to  Vincent Fernandes at or .

Everyone feels angry sometimes. Anger is a normal response when threatened or frustrated. However, if it is not well managed it becomes a problem, threatening ones career, a relationship and every aspect of ones life. Anger can be milder which is controllable; and if left untreated in its nascent stage may lead to an uncontrollable level. To manage anger, it is necessary to understand how to express feelings in a better way so that anger becomes a controlled reaction to everyday frustrations.

What is an anger problem?

Anger is an emotional state and varies in intensity; ranging from mild irritation to violent rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by changes in the body/system, including increased levels of adrenaline and faster heartbeat. Some people are able to express their anger in a controlled and mature way. But others lash out in an aggressive, uncontrollable way; either spontaneously or when their feelings build up to an exploding level. This can lead to an intimidating, violent or bullying behavior endangering self, other people and property. Ultimately out of control anger can harm ones self esteem and integrity.

If you feel your anger is out of control affecting your relationships and quality of life, you may benefit from managing it the way in which you handle your angry feelings.

Helping yourself:

There are a number of ways which people use to deal with anger. You need to deal with angry feelings and find better ways to express yourself. For some people, it can help to gain insight into why they get so angry. The following steps will assist in helping yourself.

Calming down:

If you feel yourself getting angry, do not let it build up until you have a violent outburst. Try breathing deeply from your diaphragm in long, slow breaths, giving your heartbeat a chance to slow down. As you breath, imaging a strong core inside you. Repeat a word such as ?relax? or ?calm? as you breathe. Then give yourself time to think. Get out of the situation if you need to, and find someone to talk things over with, who will help you to calm down. Try and think logically about the cause of your anger. Consider if there is a misunderstanding or if you are really angry about this or something else such as financial or personal problems.

Learn to express yourself calmly:

Try and express angry feelings verbally, using calm, logical words rather than violent actions. If you are having or expecting a heated discussion, keep the following in mind:

Slow down ? think carefully about what you want to say
Try to think about what is underlying the anger
Be clear about what you are asking and how it can be achieved.
Try using phrases like “I feel angry with you because…”
Listen carefully to the other person, remembering that everyone is entitled to their own opinion
Keep your cool while facing your own and your opponent’s anger
You may feel offended when criticized. Try not to be put off by this and keep going.
Be patient and ask questions to get to the root of the problem that causes anger
Try carefully to be assertive, rather than sarcastic or aggressive

Understand your anger:

People who are angry and aggressive need to take responsibility for their actions ? blaming others is not helpful. However, a look at the past may help you to understand your present angry behavior. For example, if your parents or influential family members set bad examples and resolved conflicts aggressively, you may not have learnt to deal with anger constructively. Think about the anger patterns you have learnt and how you can change them.

Make lifestyle changes:

Some aspects of our lifestyle can worsen angry feelings. By making small changes you can reap great benefits, such as:

Regular exercise can help to prevent the accumulation of tension and can also give you regular time away from everyday stress.

Relaxation exercise such as ?yoga? and ?meditation? will also help to release tension in a controlled, healthy way. You can find out more from your GP or local physical therapist.

Try to keep your alcohol intake within the daily recommended dose of 1-2 units for women and 2-3 units for men. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, which can trigger violent behavior.

Change your environment. Find alternatives for situations which add stress to your life and find time to relax and unwind.

Learn to express your feelings, either by talking to a friend or by venting feelings in other ways, perhaps creatively through painting or writing.

Seeking help for an anger problem – some people need more help to address their anger problem. Professional services can help to improve anger management.

Assertiveness training:

Assertiveness training teaches people how to express their feelings and desires in a calm, careful way that is respectful of the other person.


Counseling can help you to look at the thoughts and behaviors associated with your anger. There are many types of counseling ? you should tell a prospective counselor that you wish to look at anger management, and ask them about their approach.

Anger management programmer:

This is a more focused programmer designed for people who have had a single violent episode or who have been violent in the past and now feel able to make a change. They can involve in one-to-one sessions and some group work. Participants usually look at the rules of anger management, feelings and assertive/clean expression of anger.


You can not eliminate anger from your life. You will always come across scenes which provoke anger. The key to handling anger is to take responsibility for your own reactions and behavior by addressing and coping angry feelings with new techniques and responses.


Author: Vincent Fernandes- UAE