Report by Alfie D'Souza, Team Mangalorean

Mangalore: We have all heard of the common sarcastic sense of humorous stories like "Torn between two lovers" or "Torn between 2 to 3 lovers" and so on. Politically speaking, they are all totally sympatico. Can you truly be in love and married to more than one person at the same time ? The increasing number of men who claim to be unable to choose two or more women are simply putting a romantic gloss on infidelity. Here is one such story that I just read in the newspaper similar to all those episodes a well to do doctor in Belguam had pulled a fast one far too quickly, and is facing the ire of three wives, whom he married without letting the other two coming to know of it. Seems like  "Torn between Three lovers cum wives!" He may be a educated and a wealthy doctor, but to me he is just a jerk and a dork. "Dr Stud", like I would call him, is a much-married doctor in trouble now.

According to the story, one of his wife Pushpa has lodged a complaint with the police against Dr Kamu Lagamanna Bhandarkar, seeking justice. Police have booked him under IPC sections dealing with bigamy and inflicting cruelty on wife. Pushpa's complaint says Kamu has married two more women without her knowledge. Pushpa and Kamu were married 25 years ago. Pushpa had funded Kamu with one lakh rupees which she had brought from her mother's house,  to do his MBBS studies.  After completing MBBS, Kamu became a Taluk Health Officer in Hukkeri in Belguam District. There, he fell in love with a staff nurse, Sujata Patil, and got married.

After that, he started torturing his first wife Pushpa. Kamu has two kids from his second wife Sujata. Few months later, Kamu has unknowingly married for the third time to another woman named, Hasina Pathan, and they have one son now. What was Kamu thinking? Was he thinking that he could have more than one wife ? Whatever was his intention, this poor guy has now landed in big trouble with three wives, and will have to fight back in the court. Until then, he is innocent until proven guilty! Kamu's story will be a lesson to be learnt and be careful in our love affairs, before and also after marriage.

Going into such stories in the past we've  noticed a strange phenomenon recently in many marriage counselling rooms: increasing numbers of people claiming to be in love with two people at once. Sometimes it’s an unappreciated wife and mother who has started an affair with a sympathetic guy at the office. Or it’s a woman in a new relationship –she’s living with her partner but regularly texts and meets her ex for coffee and pav bhaji, and wonders if he’s really the one that she’s destined to be with after all. Or maybe it’s a husband who left home to be with his lover but misses his wife and children terribly and wonders if he’s made the biggest mistake of his life.

Listening to these stories of desire, passion and guilt,  I am never quite certain if they want to be pitied for being burdened by too many choices or envied for being so desirable. Whatever their justifications, there is one common theme,  "I have so much love in my heart that there’s room for two people". It sounds admirable, to have all this love to give, and to be so in touch with your feelings that you’re prepared to act on them, but isn’t this behaviour actually deeply selfish and destructive? On the other hand, people bearing the pain of being torn between two or three courses of action is genuine enough.

Most of us, if we’re honest, have wondered at some point whether life might not be better in some second, parallel relationship. And many offices and workplaces seem to thrive on intrigue and flirting. So instead of condemning these people for wanting to have their cake and eat it, perhaps we should try to understand the concept of loving two people because hidden within it is a lesson for all of us about what it means to be in love.

Love for a partner has three essential ingredients-Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment. So what should you do if you think you’re in love with two or more people?  But there are lessons to be learned from those who believe they have enough love for more than one partner.  We use the word love too lightly, without really understanding what it means. We frequently expect too much from our relationships,  love alone is not a magic cure-all.  And we should remember that love needs to be nurtured and strengthened with good communication, because while we assume the relationship is trotting along quite happily, our partner could be feeling alone, neglected – and vulnerable to crossing a dangerous line that often isn’t clear until it’s too late.