Now you know, you got a Mangalorean Wife.

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You speak to her in pure Konkani and she insists on talking to you in half-broken English.

She does not talk to you for several days because at a recent party you chose to speak in chaste Konkani and not English, thus lowering her social status

She wears high-heels to a dance and then go bare foot on to the dance floor because it is more comfortable.

She either has one brother called Wilfy, an uncle called Peddy, a cousin called Vally Dattu, a distant aunt called Yellubai (nickname for Aunty Helen), a mother who is called Jillibai, a neighbour called Wilfy, and a dog called Tommy.

She cooks “paiz” (boiled rice) for breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner and for in-between meals. Accompanied by “Kualo Kadi” and “Lonche”.

She buys the smallest shrimps in the market, cook it with bhendi, and call it a delicacy.

Her idea of a party is cooking “Pooolao” (Pulav), Dukra Maas, Sanna, and Kombo Sukho.

She drags you over to church every Sunday (and Fridays,for Gulfies) so that she can meet her friends from St.Agnes.

She thinks the telephone is one of the greatest inventions. Her phone conversation always start with “Aaz kale niste?” (What’s for lunch) or “kaale gi” and end with a “oui gi”

She tells her goan friend to get sausages, ambe and ponos.

She can tell you the current market rate of betelnuts (phopla) and coconuts (narl), without batting an eyelid. In fact, she thinks that people who chew betel leaves are cool.

She is related to or knows almost every one in Mangalore. E.g. “She’s my mother’s aunt’s sister-in-law’s maidservant’s niece.” And if she isn’t related to anyone particular, she makes them her Kumpadr or Kumadr.

She knows how much each neighbor is earning and scolds her husband for earning less. She knows how to clean fish. Her statements of sympathy always begin with, “So sad, no?”

You don’t drink beer and she wonders if there’s a problem with you.

If she is in the Gulf, she comes to know about what happened in Mangalore days before her cousins in Bombay know about it.

When she tells her children, eat maashu putha (for mutton), eat feeshu (fish) putha, eat dukku (pork) putha, eat shit (for rice) putha.

Tells her children in her Manglish – Dont climb up putha as you will fall dummmma and get high ha! (leaving the child wondering, how come that if I fall down – can I get high!!!)

When she translates “Maka English yeta” as “English is also coming to me”

Author: Rudolph D`Souza

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