Who Am I?

There seem to be several people
Locked up inside of me
Struggling to take possession
Is one of them really me
For I want to know my meaning
And I want to know my way
And I want to know why my heart beats so fast
Why tomorrow follows today
Who am I ? Just a dreamer of dreams
Who am I ? Just a failure it seems
Not a hero the idol of a crowd
Ever defending
Humble or proud
Who am I?

This is part of the song which was sung by the Prodigal son in the play “the Prodigal Son” and since then has struck a chord in me, striving to find the real me.

Who am I? Maybe the mental exercise of this essay will unveil who I am?
The truth is I was always sure I knew who I was. I knew who I wanted to be and who people portrayed me to be was similar.

…I am all that I can be, and all that I can be is who I am…

Who am I? A question with more than one answer. In time I’ve come to realize that even though a person may change, that doesn’t necessarily mean most will change the way they view you. I am ‘me’, ‘Sylvia’, ‘Mrs. D’Souza’, ‘daughter’, ‘sister’, ‘aunt’, ‘nana’, ‘friend’, ‘part of a mailing list’, the titles go on?.. each of them with a significant responsibility.  I am all that I can be, and all that I can be is who I am. A person with self defined morals and principles and a philosophy in life which guides my decisions and choices, which gives my purpose – colour, tone, a direction, makes me stop, notice and listen and then to consider my options, examine the facts and apply my beliefs. A warm, dependable, strong and compassionate, that’s me, who cannot bear to see anyone in any kind of pain or suffering. One who loves writing with a passion, singing or playing the flute, an avid reader. Religion also plays a major role in my life, for God is the only one to whom I can confide my inner feelings without being scared of anything or anyone. I am proud of myself. I am proud of who I am. I have a high self-esteem which carries me far into life, it gives me confidence and the assurance that I can achieve all my goals if I have faith in myself. So if I want to be a different ‘I’ or if I want to be like you, it is not possible, and there is absolutely nothing I can do, and, you think, the person you see in front of you is “me”. Is that the real “me”?

Says a lot, don’t you think?, Wow! The likeable and loveable person everyone wants by your side, always ready to help, deals with appreciations oh so casually, but that was before a harsh reality struck. Suddenly I came face to face to a new me, some one who has a short temper, is distrustful, hostile, all so foreign to me, but definitely a part of me. Who is this monster lurking its evil head, scheming its way? Can I recognize ‘The I’ here.

That what, which and who we are is ever and has always been present. There can be no separation. The ‘I’ presented in a myriad of “attributes” positive or negative, which by their very own nature have only a temporary being. Is there a purpose or is this purely spontaneous?

If you sit and think about it, can you really say you know who you are? Do you have an identity independent from anyone else? If you were alone, would you know how you felt or what mattered most to you? Or are your feelings determined by someone else’s opinion of you? Guess, by this, I mean that some bring out the best in you and some the worst.

We have come across a lot of people at different stages in our lives and they all know us to the extent we have allowed them to know. Roughly, some may know just 25% about you, your parents may know a lot more say about 50%, your spouse or partner in life will know 20% more than what your parents know, your colleagues would claim a 15%, your confidante would know 12% more than anyone else, but you have hidden a 3% of you, which you have kept to yourself, far from everyone else and because of that 3% you have  the confidence, character, personality, self-belief, etc. in you. For just imagine if you bared your soul to everyone, what would you be?

If my nature is the absolute, then why the confusion? How did this pseudo entity arise upon that which is absolute? Yet I believe it is the ultimate truth! That in itself makes me laugh at all my efforts for trying to project myself as I want others to know me.

It’s been a torment that will never leave me, yet I must dedicate my whole being to answering this! The deeper I go into finding an answer, the more helpless I feel at times, yet encouraged all the same. The more I come to realize that there isn’t really that much I can do, I do know, that which I “feel” I am “doing”, I must do to the best of my ability, with true intent.

The thought of searching out the real me, and revealing myself to the world can be frightening and very alarming, because people all around have been telling me who I am for a very long time.

Who am I?
If I’m forced to tell, I ‘m that child screaming to be carried and hugged and comforted.

Who am I?
I’m the one who has become stimulated with knowledge of self and others, which gives me more respect for others.

Who am I?
I’m the one who learned we must stop running from our responsibility. I’m accountable for my life.
Who am I?
I’m the humble girl who was once selfish.

Who am I?
I’m one seeking wisdom, and I was told, ?Wisdom is higher than a fool can reach-(Phillis Wheatley)”.

Author: Sylvia DSouza- UAE