Me and My Sin

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I didn?t want to be involved in the subject below because it touches me directly but after reading some articles about christian marriages and about western cultures here, I felt I need to write my story maybe someone will understand me. I am never shy or gulity to post this here but I?m sorry in advance if I offend anybody.

I was in my early college when i lived in mangalore and then I met the man I loved and thought would be my future husband! It was my first relationship and after two years of dating he started to turn around the physical relation thing! And I did it! He didn?t force me and I knew it was sin and it was not like those moments of weakness. For me it was just to prove to him that he is the man I want to have a family with. Well, the moment I thought would be magical turned to be the most horrible moment of my life: I was not a virgin! I was never one! I couldn?t believe it was happening to me! that moment changed and destroyed my life! I couldn?t study any more, failed two years in college, although I had been a brilliant student. I would avoid visiting the doctor, I thought they would find out and tell my family. So, whenever I got sick I just found a way to bear the pain and use any medications I had. I started avoiding everybody. I heard a lot of stories like that but it was always about the others!

I kept saying to myself I deserve what happened to me because I did something wrong but at the same time I kept imagining what would have happened if I didn?t discover that and got married to a person my family was trying to arrange my marriage? It would?ve been the biggest scandal ever! For that I always thank God because for my family who had set an example of hard work and for them to know something like that would have thrown them into distress.

The guy I loved, left for gulf just after few months of that incident. I waited for him like a crazy gal for over a year. He came back on vacation and left, and I waited again for a year like another crazy gal, but he never came back. After waiting and waiting I ended up depressed !! I was alone and nobody knew about what was going on in my life. It took me years to get better and started to organize my life. The anger made me go back to my studies, graduated from nursing, and got a good job. However,  the wound of what happened never healed. I made sure whenever I met someone I told them I was not virgin, I didn?t need to tell them the whole story but they had the right to know before we get any further. And of course the ones that were serious just ran away. Some wanted to take advantage of me, so it was me who ran away. I completed my nursing studies and landed in US in 1990. Came across many proposals when i visited mangalore. Some were simply interested in my salary. I was good looking, my clothes were always conservative, never smoked, nor drank alcohol, never partied. All that attracted the serious men who wanted to get married but when I told them they suddenly changed their minds like I am a white egg out, rotten inside ! Came back after vacation started my life working round the clock, doing laundry, cleaning home daily routine.

After couple of years at my age of 31, I met an American man, a great guy and we got married, and for sure I had to face everybody telling me ?You the daughter of a school teacher married an american ?” and I wish I could tell them ?the men of my land don?t think I?m good enough for them, so they are not good enough for me either?. With my husband I didn?t need to be a virgin to be treated like Gold. Many non virgin girls I met were students and because some guy left them they thought there was no chance to marry someone and they had nothing to lose! Rich girls did it for fun because they didn?t care and the poor ones turned to prostitution(our society stamped them with) but I also knew great ones, and evil virgin girls!

I could have reacted differently, could’ve fooled men, get marry to some one my family chose without revealing my life but we are all different and in my case it just isolated me from everybody, but it made me who I am now. It taught me compassion and to never judge people. I try to help people no matter who they are. I try to be a good Catholic. I know I have a load of big sins and sometimes my depression comes back and I feel like I?m one of those that are miserable in life and will be miserable after death. But whatever it is it will be me to pay the price and nobody else. I still have great affection for mangalorean people and that great land which gave me birth. My life has turned me around and said to be an american though i don’t pretend to be one.

Thanks to this site for posting my message.

Author: Cynthia Montgomery- USA

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