An unforgettable character

By
Joseph Pereira, Mangaluru. Team Mangalorean.
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I spent a greater part of my career abroad and returned home after working for nearly a decade in the last employment. My job with this employer was quite interesting, educative and I have fond memories of the time spent with them and of the fantastic farewell party that I was given by the Management and my Department and the gifts that I got in token of appreciation of my services. This was an institution, where most of the employees, even down the line, had University degrees and most of the seniors were post-graduates and some had PhDs and memberships of professional and respectable bodies. I learnt a lot from these professionals and one was a physician to Saddam Hussain, the ex-Iraqi dictator and today he is a surgeon, consultant and professor in a medical college.

During the last six years, successive HODs realised my abilities and gave me ample latitude to work independently and display my talents. I have respect for all my colleagues, be it locals (or natives) or expatriates, because, irrespective of their intelligence-levels, speed of work and output, they all worked hard, with sincerity and were cooperative. I would be very happy when they would approach me for my advice or help and I have only good things to say about them and wish them all the best in their endeavours.

However, there was an exception to the rule. Sometime in 2011, I saw a new kid on the block, i.e. in the company and, surprisingly, within a month I saw him led in our department by HOD and we were told that he would assist us with an important accreditation work that had to be done in a rush to meet the deadline – supposed to last five more months. Normally, all employees in the clerical and secretarial cadres underwent interviews (attended by the HOD and me) and tests (invariably given by me and submitted to the HOD for his scrutiny, after the candidates have done it). No doubt, I would give the HOD my ratings and recommendations. However, I was surprised that our Department Head did not insist on the same in this man’s case, probably due to the pressure we were working under in order to get that prestigious accreditation.

When this man walked into our office that day, he looked like a wrestler, who had staggered out of the ring after having lost a match and had an air of resignation and defeatism on his face. Then, I realized that the HOD of the department where he was employed earlier, sacked him in 28 days’ time, finding him to be incompetent, dumb, lacking grasping powers and, therefore, groping in the dark, with an utterly confused look on his face. By doing face reading, I realised this man to be a fool, with a shallow intellect, lacking general knowledge, working and communication skills, etc.

This prompted me to ask him where he had worked earlier. He said that he was working with a company employing 4,000 people and he had to look for a job because his department was closed down. Knowing the company, I found his explanation very hard to buy, because even if a department was shut down for any reasons whatsoever, if he was good at work, the company was quite large enough to absorb him in some department.

With people, it is progression in employment, i.e. rising from lower to higher positions. However, with this guy, his professional abilities were so abysmal that his career graph slid, i.e. he was demoted twice and finally fired from the job. He sat virtually a year at home and his wife out of sheer frustration and desperation handed over his CVs to all and sundry, including a lady, whose spouse was working for an employer, who knew some higher up in the company where I worked and that is how he got a job here, i.e. through sheer influence and not through formal interviews and tests, where his shortcomings would have been glaringly evident and he would have been politely told that we would come back to him in due course.

During the decades of my career, this was the most incompetent, stupidest and weirdest character I had come across. He was a totally rustic, uncouth and when he sneezed, which was quite often, he would hold his hands on his nose and if he was late in doing so, he would dirty his keyboard, computer and face. He did not keep a box of tissues around or a handkerchief in his pocket. Many employees advised him to keep a box of tissues, but he would not listen and was as stubborn as a donkey. If he had headaches or a cut on his lip (which does happen in winters), he would go to ladies and borrow headache pills, creams (meant for ladies’ use), etc. One lady did not give him tablets, though she had the same in her bag and suggested to him to buy it from the pharmacy. He said that he would go home and have the tablets in the evening. In short, he was a skinflint. Whenever he spoke to members of the community in his language, he would ask them what programme they had during the weekends. If they said that they were having a drinking session, then he would say that he would join them and he would like to have beef chilly. If people were coming from leave, he would ask them to get him two bottles of Red Label from duty free. If they did not ask for money, then there was no question of lightening his wallet.

To his luck, he has a boss who is very kind and touchy (and not an administrator, who is gutsy enough to bell the cat) and we heard him saying, “Why sack Mr. X, when he has a family to support, has health problems, bank loans, etc.?” Well, in my case as I was not a Departmental Head, I had to tolerate this rare character. I would always say that this man is incompetent, dumb, poor communicator (probably good in his mother tongue), kicked by previous employers like a football, alcoholic, sly, totally crude and rustic, but a Class I sycophant – an art developed by incompetents for survival. One can gauge the abilities of a man, who cannot find employment on his own and had rely on his partner and others.

He lacked professional abilities and was given odd bits and pieces work, because he could not draft memos, letters, reports, circulars or take down simple minutes or do job descriptions – forget representing the company in Embassies, speaking to Indians who were not from his community and foreigners. He was so dependent on his colleagues that he gave me an impression of a remote-controlled toy, lacking leadership or any qualities. However, if it was routine correspondence, then he would copy and paste others work and put his initials. Colleagues called him, “A copy and paste artist.” His English vocabulary was basic, may be around 2,000 words. He talked English with an atrocious accent, slowly and like drunk with a stutter and when he talked on the phone, he would say, “Who are you?” “What do you want?” His conversation with people was a comedy of errors, because people would not understand what he was saying and he would not understand what message they wanted to convey and it always ended up in quarrels, arguments and he being abused by employees and, on occasions, the HOD had to intervene and rectify the problems for employees.

When the work pressures were high, I would plead with my boss to make this man work, because he is goofing around, spending 40’ in cafeteria for breakfast and one hour (or more, if boss was away from the Company) for lunch and speaking to some employees that hailed from his community, if they had the patience to listen to this stupid man and moreover he was making a handsome salary which he may have never earned previously, without doing anything worthwhile. Boss would say, “No, this man cannot handle this job. He will just mess it up. Forget about him.” Since he had no trade skills, any jobs given to him would be a herculean task, whereas it would be a plaything for others. We had about 18 or so departments and my superior spoke to various HODs to take this person so that he could get rid of a liability, but knowing this person’s inabilities and shortcomings, they would laugh their guts out and politely decline to take him in their department.

I would say that he was a very lucky man to get a promotion and also bonus for screwing up works given to him, which finally had to be righted and completed by others. I would think of my HOD’s predecessor, who was a “no-nonsense” guy and would have got rid of this jerk within 15 days. Here was a case of an employee who was rewarded for sheer incompetence. Most employees would say, Mr. X is crazy or stupid or good-for-nothing fellow and many complaints were received against him. However, Mr. X, who was a discard from his previous jobs continues, not only to survive since four years but also thrives, whereas any employer meaning business would have shown him the door in just 30 days. I have doubted this man’s credentials because, as per him, he was working from the age of 17 years. So, what must have been his qualifications? I wonder how long this bloke’s luck holds out and who will employ him, once he is kicked from this place. He could be very much replaced by a local, as there are some locals, educated in foreign Universities, who are very good and then by employing them, you are helping the sons-of-the-soil and getting more slots to hire good expatriates.

I worked for an amazing company where a number of employees were recruited not because they were educated, competent and had the right experience, but because they came through influence or the back door. Therefore, there were people holding positions that they could, otherwise, never dream of and drawing salaries which were quite good. Prior to joining this place, one was a masseur, other was a singer, another one worked as an office girl and waitress at two, seedy hotels and even did promotion of consumable items at malls, etc. and this lady, lacking education and any skills other than data entry, created a hue and cry that she is very busy and was given an assistant from a third world country, who had come on a free visa and languished for four years or so, before making an entry to the company where I worked. This lady, who had a tinny voice and was rustic, would spend her time talking on the Skype and her Smart mobile to her relations and friends gossiping all the time and got the assistant to do her work, like photocopying, delivering and filing papers. Since there was no sound administration and management, it was a hunky-dory situation for these misfits and screwballs, who would only get small, low paying jobs with employers who pay as per employees’ qualifications, abilities, responsibilities and work output.

After I returned to India, I spent a few days in an institution similar to the one I had worked abroad – though I was not employed there but had gone on some work. Right from the basement it extended to 12th floor and has just 1,100 employees on its payroll. All of them were not regular employees and quite a number of them were employed as casuals. I was highly impressed with this institution and its professionalism and I am confident that their payroll is quite well managed, compared to the institution where I worked and also the productivity per employee ought to be much, much higher.

However, all said and done, I have fond, funny and good memories of this place, especially the seniors in the Management, who were thorough professionals and gentlemen and I wish them and the institution all the best.

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2 Comments

  1. Looks like they had to hire four people to fill your last position!
    At any workplace, the incompetent ones described by you, are the motivators to help you work harder and thus go a head.
    Because of him you looked better.
    Because of winter, the summer is pleasant. Darkness and light!
    Such persons are pushed in your department, because the management knows, you can train him; motivate him; and you can do his as well you your job within eight hours.
    Bravo……………

  2. “Such persons are pushed in your department, because the management knows, you can train him; motivate him; and you can do his as well you your job within eight hours,” by James Fernandes.

    Your comments are quite right, if a person has brains, but sadly this person lacked one. People from Philippines used to call him “dumb” and people from his own community used the same word in their language.

    As he first worked in construction companies, getting employment presumably with the help of a fake certificate, the house he was constructing fell off like a pack of cards while working for one employer and in the second he was in a truck carrying cement, sand, bricks, etc. and that vehicle got involved in an accident and everything was strewn on the road. This was with the second employer. So, due to being incompetent, lacking imagination and versatility, he lost jobs and his father advised him to take up some other profession. Since he was not a marketable commodity, lacking qualifications, skills, etc., he would grab whatever jobs that he got, whether he was able to do it or not. He could not draft memos, letters, forget about preparing reports, policies and procedures, job descriptions, taking down minutes of the meeting, talking to other Indians outside his community or foreigners. I would help and mentor everyone that was directed by superiors or approached me, but not this son-of-a-gun, because he was, though a Class I idiot, try to act sly. He would try to cover up his faults by telling his community people that he has lot of work to do and is under intense pressure doing three employees’ jobs and no one cooperates with him. People who had visited the department and see him work and the fiascos, would give him back and shut his mouth or snigger away in an insulting manner.

    He was quite a character by himself and when an employee was talking about him to another employee who did not know him, they would say, “Have you not seen that man who comes to work, carrying his lunch in a red school bag?” He would carry this school bag containing his lunch and every second or third day, he would go in the evenings after leaving work to the liquor outlet near the Gulf Hotel to replenish his stock.

    The Department had the practice of celebrating the birthdays of all employees, i.e. 11 or 12 members. You can imagine what a rustic, uncouth and earthy fellow he was, because he would refuse to wear the birthday cap, did not extinish the candle flame on his birthday cake by blowing it off, but by pinching the candle wick with his fingers. He had funny way of pronouncing words. He called on the telephone and told the attendant that he wanted to speak to Richelle (phonetically we pronounce as “Ree-shell”), but he said “Ree-challey” and thanks he did not say “Man-Challey”.

    Persons who interacted with this bloke will never forget him for his idiotic ways and idiosyncracies.

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